Handy Tips for New Parents

The internet is full of these lists, and obviously I haven't read them all, but here are some ideas that I don't see often. I've found them especially useful during the early years of being a parent. 

1. Do what works for you, your family, and your baby. If you're taking the time to read up on parenting, you're already doing a great job. Okay, this one is more of a disclaimer than a tip, but it needs to be said. Often. Really, you're not going to screw up as badly as you might feel.

2. A Bottle A Day: if you want to be attached to your baby at all times, that's awesome. Go with it (see #1). If you don't, I would suggest a bottle of something once a day, be it pumped breast milk or formula, starting as early as you are comfortable. I'm not guaranteeing that this will prevent your baby from going on a bottle strike three days before you're due back at work, but it should improve the odds in your favor. [Aside: if you're breast feeding, try to time the bottle feed with the first middle of the night feeding and have someone else do it, if possible, to get yourself a longer stretch of sleep.]

3. Command Central: set up a spot for the new Mother/Father where the parent can sleep, feed the baby, change a diaper, and have the following in arms reach: TV remote (if near the TV), laptop/tablet, phone, large bottle of water, and snacks. For the first few weeks after bringing a new baby home, expect to spend a lot of time at command central, especially if you're a breast feeding Mother. If you're a breast feeding Father, I know some news outlets and biologists who would really like to talk to you.

4. Sleep Training: if you're going to do it, I suggest you do it before the baby is trying to do back flips over the crib wall, i.e. between 4 and 8 months. If you fail spectacularly at training your baby to sleep through the night, do not despair. They all figure it out...eventually.

5. The Sheet Parfait: have at least two layers of sheet + waterproof mattress pad on any surface where the baby/child will be sleeping, be it a crib or bed. This ensures minimal disruption in the middle of the night when any kind of accident might occur. I've found this to be extremely useful even in later years to deal with pee accidents and random cough-induced vomiting. If you live in a place with cold winters, keeping an extra blanket or two on hand is a good idea, too. Fluids can be...challenging to contain.

6. The Link Collection:

http://kellymom.com/ (breastfeeding issues/support; sometimes a little too "rah rah" breast-is-best, but the information is sound)

http://askmoxie.org/ (everything...lots of good ideas in the comments; will make you feel a lot less alone about whatever problem you're dealing with)

http://parents.berkeley.edu/advice/ (various topics; many useful personal stories and suggestions)

Everyone Wins

I’m aware that the purpose of many of The Atlantic’s opinion pieces are intended to provoke commentary and generate traffic. In and of itself, that’s not a bad thing. The world needs more analytical thinking, and if even a fraction of that traffic engages in some critical thought, society will benefit. I do wish, however, that they would steer the conversation in directions that are controversial in a more positive manner. This article is a case in point.

The article’s main thesis questions a basic assumption about paid leave for new Mothers versus Fathers and addresses the potential fallacy, especially in modern times, that one is more useful than the other. This seems sufficiently controversial and socially progressive by itself. Unfortunately, it stumbles by trying to make the benefits of paternity leave into a competition:

“While paid paternity leave may feel like an unexpected gift, the biggest beneficiaries aren’t men, or even babies. In the long run, the true beneficiaries of paternity leave are women, and the companies and nations that benefit when women advance.”

First of all, don’t “companies and nations” include men and children? Second, how exactly are they going to accurately measure a fuzzy word like “benefit” to the point that they can rank who receives the most? Instead of wasting time picking a fight about this, our focus should be on the fact that this policy should improve everyone’s lives in some way. Men will feel less pressure to return to the workplace, women will face less discrimination by being “baby tracked,” and even those without babies will reap the benefit of retaining a greater percentage of female talent. The policy would especially help the lower socioeconomic levels that are sometimes overlooked by feminist policy making. When both parents are working to make ends meet, giving paid paternity leave is a financial boon which defers day care costs without reducing the net household income.

The article then goes on to say this:

“paternity leave [...] is a brilliant and ambitious form of social engineering: a behavior-modification tool that has been shown to boost male participation in the household, enhance female participation in the labor force, and promote gender equity in both domains”

All of those results sound great, but quite a few men don’t need to be engineered or psyched into spending more time with their children. Many are already frustrated with their work-life balance, and their numbers are increasing. Was it really necessary to use words that, dare I say, patronises men and possibly alienates the women who are partnered with these men, never mind gay male parents who adopt. The rest of the article presents a sound, cogent, and sometimes impassioned argument in favor of paternity leave, but I nearly missed it all because I was so irritated by these two passages.

We cannot avoid biology (until someone invents a reliable artificial womb), and that means women are the baby makers and need time off work after giving birth. What we can change is the attitude that women are more naturally suited to the raising of children than men are. Women are socially conditioned to the role just as men are led away from it, but that needs to stop if we are to achieve gender equality in all spheres of life: home, career, and child care. Antagonising men by making social change into a competition isn’t going to help bring it about. Emphasizing the point that all of society, including the men, will benefit tremendously just might sway some opinions.

The Blueberry Milkshake Moment

This post is written in service of soon-to-be birth Mothers and their support crew that this moment may be in your futures as well.

Here's the back story. I am not normally a milkshake drinker (yes, I'm weird like that...and many other ways), but I am a sucker for chocolate. Toward the end of my pregnancy, my husband made a delicious shake that involved chocolate chips, blueberries, and vanilla ice cream. At the time, I enjoyed his concoction quite a bit so he stocked up on all three ingredients thinking that this was a quick, high calorie food that I could consume during the early newborn weeks.

Fast forward to one evening when our new baby's age was still measured in days, when my postpartum hormones were crashing, and when I was exhausted from a marathon two hour nursing session. I was hungry. Very hungry. I was also immobile due to the nursing infant on my lap. My wonderful, supportive husband offered to make me a milkshake, and I eagerly accepted. 

Upon his return, I snatched the full glass from his hand and gulped at the drink like a parched woman emerging from a desert, but my thirst quencher turned out to be a mirage. The drink had not nearly enough chocolate chips. The balance of flavors was all wrong - terribly, horribly wrong! I broke down weeping and handed back the vile thing, accusing him of being thoroughly inconsiderate to a half-starved new Mother. How could he be so careless? So unthinking! What sort of lousy husband would do that to his wife?

He watched, half offended, half alarmed, as I sobbed uncontrollably. I do not normally cry like this, not for sad movies, not even over great human tragedy, but this was far from a normal moment. No, this was a moment that many a woman who has recently given birth will recognize: when she loses all grip on sanity and self-control and realizes she is at the mercy of the biochemical stew encased in her bag of skin and bones. 

In our family, it's become known as The Blueberry Milkshake Moment.

Had one (or more) of your own? Ready to laugh about it? If so, please share!